Celebmonkey

Paris Hilton Can't Count Too Good

Paris Hilton made an outrageous claim to Glamour UK! 

"I've only done it [had sex] with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss."

She goes on:

"I think it's important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag; they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won't respect you; he'll want you much more if he can't you have you."

I can see her point, but I am still a little fuzzy on her math.  Now we know she's done it with Rick Salomon; there's video proof of that.   She told Tyra Banks all about how she and Benji Madden "kept it spicy," and I don't think she was talking about Cajun cooking.  So I'll count that as proof of two, which is technically "a couple."  In addition, she's been engaged twice, to Paris Latsis and Jason Shaw.  On top of that, she dated Nick Carter and Stavros Niarchos.  

Based on this evidence, I initially concluded that either...

1) Paris' math skills aren't too good.
2) Her vocabulary skills aren't too good either.
3) She was so drunk and/or high that she doesn't remember everything she's ever done.
3) She's just lying.

However... The News of the World recently quoted Paris as saying, “Every other guy I've been out with has used me for money or sex."   If she's been out with six guys (that we know of), that would mean she's had sex with at least three of them.  I could live with three being "a couple."  I can't believe I'm saying this, but maybe she's not just being disingenuous after all.

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George Clooney & Paris Hilton... Seriously??!!

I can barely type this without retching, but here we go.  Life & Style Weekly reports that George Clooney and Paris Hilton were seen out together two nights in a row... which suggests, to them, that the pair might be dating.

George and Paris had dinner right before Christmas at Dana Tan's in Hollywood with a group that included

director Ridley Scott, Marvel Studios chairman David Maisel and Brittany Flickinger, the winner of Paris' BFF reality show.

Random, but not necessarily incriminating.  However, the night before

George, 47, and Paris, 27, had a far more intimate meeting at the Whiskey Bar at the Sunset Marquis hotel in West Hollywood.

George, honestly.   Plenty of women in and out of Hollywood would be happy to spend time with you.  I guess an unknown model-slash-cocktail waitress wasn't slummy enough?  Hopefully this is just a midlife crisis that passes before he catches anything incurable.

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Paris Hilton, WTF Are You Wearing??

You have to hand it to her:  Paris Hilton never stops mixing it up.  She's gone from your average ho, to quasi-goth-girl-slash-walking-advertisement-for-her-honey's-clothing-line, to now ... slutty Amish mall chick?   I dunno.  I think I have to give her props for going out in public in this outfit.  It's been beastly hot in California lately, maybe the heat fried her brain?

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Paris Hilton's New Career

Whoever thought of this idea should be dyed pink and shaved like a poodle!  British TV execs must not have heard how Paris Hilton abandoned her cat Prada at the vet, not to mention the other 20-odd other "pets" she owns as accessories.

She's been offered a new reality show, wherein she will manage a dog grooming shop in London.

No, you heard me right:  Paris HILTON will be managing a DOG grooming shop.

Quoth the Sunday Star (UK):

“Watching Paris act out her Los Angeles lifestyle, in which tiaras for Chihuahuas are of real importance, should be very entertaining. And she will no doubt be hitting the clubs and parties over here in the same way she does back home.”

If by "entertaining" they mean "nauseating," well, perhaps they're right.   Please let this be just a rumor!

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Would You Run Away From Paris Hilton?

Money may not be able to buy happiness, but what about a cheetah? 

Sources say that Paris Hilton priced her way through South Africa, asking how much things cost everywhere she went - even the wildlife.  Entertainment Wise reports:

"Every time Paris saw something she liked, like a woman's dress, she would ask how much it was.

That included a cheetah she saw at an animal park. She asked how much it was and said, 'If I bought a cheetah, would it run away from me or could I keep it?'"

I can't speak for that specific cheetah, but I know if I were a cheetah, or any ambulatory living creature whatsoever, I'd run away from Paris Hilton before she could say, "Put it on my AmEx."

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Ashlee Simpson's New Nose Can't Improve Awful Voice

According to Saturday Night Live, the "new" Ashlee Simpson won't be allowed back on the show anytime soon.  She apparently burned that bridge when she was busted for lipsincing - to the wrong song - on SNL back in 2004.  Even a nose job hasn't convinced the venerable sketch comedy program to give her another chance just yet. 

CORRECTION: Ashlee has been on SNL since 2004, but insiders claim she was such a "pain" to deal with that she won't be invited back. 

That rock n' roll party foul should have cost her her career.  At the time, Simpson's "garage band" style voice was simply that; only fit for a garage.  Even by rock standards she sounded awful, as if she were yelling over her band just to be heard.  She was actually booed at the Orange Bowl in 2005.  Of course, with Joe Simpson behind you, it's hard to keep a good singer - or even Ashlee - down.

Joe, Ashlee's father, has been trying to get her back on SNL.  The move is designed, presumably, to invigorate Ashlee's non-existent career.  With a new look and a new album, he hopes she can return to the scene, make amends, and let by-gones be.  Good luck.  Sometimes, though, bad is just bad. 

Mr. Simpson, I realize she's your little girl and you'd do anything for her, but not EVERYONE can be a quality performer.  You'll just have to get over that.  So she can't sing and doesn't have much charisma.  She's still famous and beautiful, and in the celebrity world, that's plenty.  Just look at all the other worthless celebutantes out there like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.  Seriously, man, what do they do?  Ashlee will be fine without the bogus singing career. 

Then again, you might want to encourage her to make a sex tape....just in case.

Paris Hilton Tries Too Hard

Well, the fabulous folks at Ecorazzi called it.  On March 17, they reported on Paris Hilton's planned trip to Africa with Benji Madden and opined: 

Perhaps she’ll pose with a starving orphan or something on the way out.

And today these pictures are out on the internet.   I now have two questions.

1) Could they have been any more right? 

2) Is she serious?   

We all remember Paris' jailhouse phone conversation with Barbara Walters, in which she said that she had turned over a new leaf in jail and was going to spend more time doing charity work after she got out.

How's she done since then?  Let's see.  Her scheduled trip to Rwanda was cancelled postponed.  She was rumored to be campaigning to help drunk Indian elephants, but that was found false.   And just last week, she AND Benji flubbed up an opportunity to make money that they'd promised to donate to the Richie Madden Children's Foundation.   It was just the charity founded by Paris' ex-BFF and Benji's twin brother.  No biggie, right?   

Given that record, I'm sure her publicists told her she needed to make this stop at the Jakaranda Kinderhuis Orphanage in order to salvage her philanthropic image.   So here she is, trying to look like a cross between Mother Theresa and Princess Diana.  And I feel so bad for this little girl on her lap, because she is so totally adorable, and she looks genuinely happy, and you can just hear Paris thinking, "Would you take the f*****g picture already?  This rugrat is going to get something sticky on my dress!  What?  Oh, OH, right, OK - pat pat pat.... nice little ... drooly small person....."

I cannot physically roll my eyes any further back in my head. 

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Benji & Paris - Are They In Middle School??

OK, that's it.  For days now I've been resisting the urge not to start chanting some elementary school level song to these two love birds, but I've reached the end of my rope.  One blingy-blingy initial ring was enough, but two?    I think I'm gonna hurl.  That would be messy, so instead, I sing:

Benji and Paris sittin' in a tree
Who will give whom an STD?

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Paris Hilton Has BM On Her Hand

The temptation to do an execratory spin on this story is strong.  Luckily A Socialite's Life already did it, so I don't have to. 

So Paris and Benji are probably engaged, or maybe just exchanging pathogens, or whatever.  Yippee.  Her quasi-brother-in-law is probably the only male over 18 in Hollywood that she hasn't tried to get with.  Assuming that IS an engagement ring on everybody's favorite hocialite's finger, couldn't she have picked one that was perhaps a smidge more attractive?   And lord please tell me that the thing was custom made.  'Cause what jewelry store that wants to stay in business keeps "BM" rings IN STOCK???

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